Why is it that the ones you don't want to hear from call?

I heard from my ex-boyfriend yesterday. The one that I finished with four months ago. Why is it always that the ones that you don't want to hear from are the ones that call? Take my last internet date. It was bad enough to put me off online dating for the foreseeable future.

He had a great profile. We shared loads of common interests, he seemed bright and funny and interesting. We talked on the phone and he had a really sexy voice and we chatted easily considering we were two almost-complete-strangers. In his photo he looked gorgeous; really attractive and a snazzy dresser. In his profile he described himself as athletic and toned and said that his friends call him metrosexual, which to me means 'looks that good you think he's probably gay' because we all know gay men are, sadly for the girls, far better at dressing and grooming than the straight ones.

I was excited about our date. I waited for him nervously outside Borders in new clothes, hoping he'd like me and then he turned up. I could see a slight resemblance between him and the guy in the photograph, but it was like the one in the photo was the younger, slimmer and better looking version of the man standing in front of me. Trade 'athletic and toned' for 'stocky and pot bellied'. Trade 'metrosexual' for 'nice suit jacket over a jumper' and 'too much aftershave'. I couldn't have been more disappointed if you'd told me that Barcelona had just fallen off the map or that chocolate had never been invented.

Nikki, Nikki, only ever meet them for coffee on a first date. Then you can make a quick exit if it all goes horribly wrong. Instead I had to spend five hours with this guy when I could have gone home from the first moment. It soon became clear that he was a bit of a bore on top of everything else, although to be honest if I'd fancied him I have to admit I probably would have overlooked that.

So, I was polite, but not too friendly. I definitely didn't send any signals as it became clear to me over the evening that not only did I not fancy him but actually I found him kind of repulsive. So of course he calls. I was so stunned I didn't even know what to say when he asked me out again. I wasn't prepared. I was sure that he must have picked up my vibe that there was no way he was ever going to get a shag out of me, but no. I put him off and when he called again the next day had to explain that I just didn't feel a spark. It was my nice way of saying what I've just said here.

You see, I don't like being mean to them. I've got girlfriends that are fantastic at it. I'm not adverse to discreetly turning my back on them in a pub to try and get rid of them, but all out rude? I can't do it. I love Lily Allen's take on this:

"Can't knock em out, can't walk away,
Try desperately to think of the politest way to say,
Just get out my face, just leave me alone,
And no you can't have my number,
"Why?"
Because I've lost my phone. "

My friend Nic, when seeing me being chatted up recently by a man I clearly wasn't keen on simply grabbed him by the shoulders, turned him around and forcefully pushed him away. I admire that, I do. I'd even love to be able to do it but it's like dogs. I don't like them but when the vet that I work for on a Thursday (ex-internet date turned book keeping job - see I told you it was legit) said I'd be the perfect person to put down greyhounds for him I had to explain I couldn't do it. I might not like them but neither do I want to kick them while they're down.

Even when I'm provoked I still don't want to be horrible to them. With the internet date I didn't comment on how he'd mis-sold himself. I even managed to not laugh hysterically when he told me he was sure he'd detected signals from me. Up yourself much mate? I got rid of the ex-boyfriend yesterday as nicely as I could too even while I was rolling my eyes at how he assured me he had truly loved me even if he hadn't always shown it in the right way.

Maybe it would do me good to kill a few greyhounds after all...